Bishop Barbie and the Brave New Church

BNC Christmas Address

2010-12-13T17:18:00.001-08:00

The Bishop Barbie Who Saved Christmas by Bishop Barbie

My Darling Elves, I have been considering greatly as to what I should present to you for the Christmas Message direct from the Brave New Church HQ. Shall I offer you a Brave New Rendition of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas ala Glee? Or should I harken back to the traditions of days past with the burning of the yule log, the decorating of the Christmas tree, and kissing under the mistletoe?

Neither seems good, right, or holy.

The Brave New Church recognizes that you and your loved ones celebrate Christmas in a variety of ways. You may put colored or white lights under the tree. Some may have even kept the bubble lights from the late 70’s and early 80’s. Maybe you keep tradition from the old world alive such as Lutefisk Suppers or wooden ornaments to grace the tree and visit Santy Claus at the mall. Our family has come into the habit of Godiva Advent calendars – a delicious traditions to indulge!

But I fear we here at the Brave New Church have lost the true meaning of Christmas and so I commend a closer reading of Charles Dickens immortal Christmas Tale, A Christmas Carol to you that your holiday season may be revived in due season!

It is the pagans who practiced Saturnalia and the hedonistic feasting and gift-giving throughout the middle ages which was usurped by the Roman church, anxious to capitalize on such feasting by way of reinterpretation. But under the faithful guidance of Sir Oliver Cromwell in the late 1600’s the Yuletide festivities came under Puritan scrutiny and Christ’s Mass was realized for its true farce: a pagan festival of pure greed.

Thankfully, Charles Dickens was a true Christian High Priest and leader for the western masses in the 1800’s. He wrote a story about the mean Uncle Scrooge and his flunky employee, Bob Cratchit, in the spirit of the Industrial Revolution. Those who capitalized off the wealth of the age left their employees penniless and destitute. There arose a new hardness, a new meanness and lack of compassion among this new merchant class of society during this time. And so, against this backdrop of selfishness and greed, a young English writer emerged who would make the written page his platform for exposing societal exploitation and cruel treatment of the lower classes, and become a significant voice for change in society, exposing unto us the TRUE meaning of Christmas.

Charles Dickens gave to us the Inspired Word, A Christmas Carol in 1843 which reinvented todays holiday, emphasizing family and goodwill and compassion. Uncle Scrooge was visited in quick order by three ghosts – Christmas past, present and future – to scare him into good deeds and cure him of miserliness.

You see, boys and girls, the true message of Christmas has nothing to do with sin, death or the power of the devil being overcome by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. The true message of Christmas is not the coming of God’s Son into the world to redeem the world from its bondage. The true story of Christmas is a message of social justice, where you learn to care about the Bob Cratchits of the world because it is the right thing to do (with or without your exemplar, Jesus).

We here at the Brave New Church life up A Christmas Carol because it is a story we can all agree upon. It does not teach creed, carol, doctrine or dogma. Jesus never enters the story because that may be offensives. But we also recognize that Dickens’ carol remembers Jesus’ focus on the need for social justice and always choosing the right path to keep God happy.

The Dickens Foundation and the BNC have joined arms this year because we believe together in the importance of celebrating this holiday, because the shared love and joy could help all to become our best selves now. Cherish your family like the Cratchit’s and learn to love unexpectedly like Mr. Scrooge. Become the lighthouse of hope the Divine always intended you to be! Don’t let the commercial trappings spoil your holiday. Go in Free Love and Radical Tolerance!

Keep Christ in Christmas! Remember Christ’s example of justice and forget his concern with sin! Jesus is comin’ to town and he’s ONLY concerned with whether you’ve been naughty or nice!

Christmas is the cornerstone of living your best life NOW. Strengthen all that is good in the world – especially free Love, radical tolerance and dedicated gift-giving to everyone you care about!

Christmas Dreams and Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

A New Holiday Program for YOU!

2010-11-29T13:29:00.001-08:00

2010-11-01T16:49:00.000-07:00

http://www.elca.org/Who-We-Are/Our-Three-Expressions/Churchwide-Organization/Office-of-the-Presiding-Bishop/Messages-and-Statements/101028video.aspx

My Colleague-in-Chief is the Bishop of the LARGEST Lutheran church in North America, just like he points out in the first line of the tape!

We here at the Brave New Church Headquarters were thrilled to participate in this popular movement! In fact, in light of our many churchly woes we’re evening considering a full time partnership with the movement. Then, all of our signs would read:

Just look at this selection of the fan mail our glorious leader of Free Love received from his amorous Facebook Fans!

Bishop Hanson, I am so close to committing idolatry!

(so hawt!)

- I love my congregation and the grater Church.

(May I get you some cheddar, ma’am?)

- Bravo, Bishop Hanson. And may God bless the ELCA.

(God, we invite you into our threefold mission! Join us!)

- Thank you Bishop Hanson, my heart is so full of love for our church.

(who needs Jesus when you have the church!)

- I praise God for the ELCA!

(Our hands! Our work! Wanna join us?)

- Like I needed another reason to love Bishop Handsome. I mean Hanson.

(He’s so dreamy! Wait till you see in his pink cope I designed!)

- God does not judge. Jesus like his father in Heaven did not judge either.He did not favor one over another but expressed Love as his father expresses Love. His love is all inclusive and does not wain upon persons or circumstance.Remember he came to set the record straight. The only true parts of the old scripture are where god is shown to be unpartial in his love. This is the heart of Jesus's message.God's love is for all his creation.

(Don’t worry sir, Marcion died a long time ago!)

- Now THIS makes me grateful to be in relationship with the ELCA!!!

(Hooray!!)

Naturally I’m surprised that I didn’t receive more fan mail since I’m obviously more in touch with the needs and popular culture at the BNC and beyond. But either way, we accomplished our goal in determining who amongst you is the biggest Super Fan of the Brave New Church!

As for the rest of you, if you did not add Bishop Hanson to your fanpage, speak favorably of him, "like" his video, or offer sweet lauds of honor upon his holiness, you can expect to hear from our headquarters in the next 1-3 months.

Bishop Hanson: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Mailbag Monday!

2010-11-01T14:48:00.000-07:00

Jeremy writes, “Wise and inclusive leader, I thought the omission of a few distasteful verses regarding rebukes a few weeks ago had signaled redactionism for the sake of radical inclusiveness, but I fear the BNC may have missed a spot. May I direct you to the first lesson this morning, Jeremiah 14: ‘Although our iniquities testify against us; act O Lord for your name's sake; our apostasies are many, and we have sinned against you.’ These verses don't seem to fit with the message of radical inclusiveness and free love of the BNC. Would you please elaborate and ease my distress?”

My Dearest Darling Jeremy!

Perhaps I may take a moment to illumine your heart and ease your mind as to the role of the BNC and its relationship to the Divine Scriptures! Naturally there are the occasional verses which cause us discomfort and dis-ease, and so for the sake of our Brave New Leaders we omit. The omission is for YOUR sake more than for anyone else because we wish to achieve radical trust toward our leadership!

Truly I say unto thee, how would the masses respond if there would be such a constant barrage of judgment from the so-called “words” of the Divine? We must redact radically! Reduce inclusively! Our only purpose is to ensure the name of the Divine and Divine Representatives everywhere have a chance to spread the gifts of radical tolerance, inclusivity, and free Love. Without omitting verses here and there, how could we possibly achieve these goals? Reverend, you must remember that 95% of our worshipping population of the BNC doesn’t even know what a Bible IS (short of a coaster or a nice family heirloom). Why would you seek to shatter the image we have worked so long to build up around the BNC by introducing those nasty verses? You would only be working yourself out of a job, my darling.

As for Jeremiah 14, while it may seem the BNC committed a tragic oversight, you must recall that we have released a new “study Bible” in the recent months with all the interpretations you could possibly need to assist in preaching preparation! You see, our released version of scripture simply does the work of ignoring these words! We focus instead on the key word of 14:8 of “hope!” Hope and change, my darling, hope and change! The BNC chooses to focus away from the law and give overwhelming preferential treatment to the Gospel of Love alone.

The words of warning, fear and sin are always so pesky and really somewhat of a downer. How will anyone learn to live to his, her, or its highest potential if we don’t portray all of Divinity in beautiful words of divine Love? So, if in the future, you find yourself unable to stomach the unfortunate remnants of our revised scripture, do what I always do: Look up to the pink evening sky and think of Love!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Jeff writes, “Dearest Bishop Barbie, I've been pondering something ever since our Society's general retreat in Mundelein this past week: Did you travel ahead of us to re-paint the chapel in hues of red, blue, and brown, prior to our arrival? If so, what a wonderful gift and talented painter you are!

My dearest Jeff.

You thrill me with your notice of my interior design skills!

Yet, as much as I regularly schedule my acts of mercy, grace, and free Love around the myriad of needs within the BNC, I’m sorry to say but the interior at annual Retreat was outside the pale of my generosity this year. My usual mode of liturgical and spiritual preparations for the needs of BNC congregations everywhere and often involve the colors Pink and Purple. The moment you spouted off the red, blue, and brown interior I knew immediately this was not the work of my personal planning or that of my staff!

You see, my darling Jeff, you must remember that liturgical colors and settings inspire certain spiritual feelings and desires in the hearts of those present for worship! Reds and blues are divisive and upsetting to the spiritual palette, as they remind of how so many are divided on lines of male and female gender types. How silly and intolerant! Browns only remind us of the earth and earthy – like the Birkenstock-wearing divas out west. Why would we seek the earthy when the spiritual is more of our taste?

This is why Pink and Purple is our cry and our theme! They remind us of our royal call to radical tolerance, inclusiveness, and free Love! Pink is now for boys and girls and others and Advent and cancer research! Purple is the color of royalty and anti-bullying campaigns and eggplant (which is very healthy for you)*!

So, despite my penchant for taking credit for most things, I must say that I was not part of this color palette atrocity. Perhaps you will consider a place such as this for your next General Retreat instead:

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

*Just to be clear, Bishop Barbie recognizes the “Purple Church” is also a name for the “Satanic Church.” Bishop Barbie has no intentions of making comparisons, promoting, or encouraging the Satanic community. Although the BNC and fellow church bodies have disputes, we would do well not to compare one another to Satan or his minions. Instead we are called to preach our brothers and sisters back to true faith and the fold.

Cathi writes, “Someone asked earlier ... was Her Pinkness at Mundelein for the STS General Retreat?If there was an answer, I missed it. Please re-post. (During said retreat, much speculation was going on as to HP, BB's identity and wherebouts. One of the STS brethren thought BB and I are one in the same, but I assured him that I am not Her Pinkness. The STS sistren know better! LOL)”

Oh my Darling Braaschenputtel,

I was with you at the Little Mouth in spirit and Brave New Churchiness – but not in body. My schedule has been so crammed with speaking opportunities, receptions, and rites that I can barely find time to retreat a moment with Ken, darling!

My goodness, such questions you ask of my Pinkness! Of course my identity is much sought-after and considered because of my natural blond hair, beauty and saintliness! The BNC finally hired some personal attendants to ensure I am not personally accosted by those who desire personal interviews, autographs, and the like. It is such tough work being a BNC celebritaire’, you wouldn’t even understand. I would much rather enjoy a quiet celebrity life in the ski chalets of Aspen than at a retreat of such assorted characters. In fact, I shall immediately place Ken in charge of a winter getaway!

If anyone is interested in my identity and more, here is my drivers’ license:

The Divine Spearhead Installation

2010-10-26T08:53:00.000-07:00

Service of Installation for the Spearhead of Social Services,

Reverend Daniel Ostercamp

BRAVE NEW CANDLES FOR OUR COMMUNITY:
You are invited to come forward to the candle table before the service begins in honor of Bishop Barbie, the Brave New Church, and all who will soon be our Friends.

CALL TO WORSHIP: A Call to Silence in honor of our Brave New Leaders

READING OF THE BNC COVENANT

Free Love is the doctrine of this Church
The Quest for truth is its Sacrament
and Service is its Prayer.
To dwell together in Peace,
to seek knowledge in Freedom,
to serve humanity in Fellowship,
thus do we covenant Together.

We respect ALL* bound consciences

*some

HYMN:
Come Join the Dance of Divinity
ELW 412

WELCOME

STORY FOR ALL AGES:

The Adventures of Little Red Riding Hood and the Divine Scripture

AFFIRMATION – Led by our Brave New Youth

We are the Brave New Church:
A people of open minds,
and committed to radical tolerance,

boundless unity,

and free Love for all.

YOUTH RECESSIONAL
(young people may now go to prepare food, drinks, and service for our reception)

OFFERTORY (include your tax return in the envelope)

SHARING OUR JOYS AND SORROWS

This is a time of sharing.

Tell us all of things that make you

happy and sad as we seek to

hear the divine within you.

OFFERTORY MUSICAL RESPONSE

From you I receive, to you I give,
Together we share, and from this we live.

RESPONSIVE READING (the congregation reads the bold parts)

I am a woman -

I have no voice.

The male-dominated world I live in has left me powerless.

You are a male in this culture.

Will you speak up for me?

I am a child –

I have no voice.

The business-oriented world I live in has left me powerless.

You are an entrepreneur in this culture.

Will you speak up for me?

I am a person of color –

I have no voice.

The white–dominated world I live in has left me powerless.

You are a white person in this culture.

Will you speak up for me?

I am a person with physical limitations –

I have no voice.

The mobility-oriented world I live in has left me powerless.

You are a mobile person in this culture.

Will you speak up for me?

I am “one of the least of these.”

I have no voice.

The success-oriented world I live in has left me powerless.

You are able walk the ways of this culture.

Will you speak up for me?

I am all of these people.

You have a voice.

The Divine has called you to speak up for me -

The BNC has called you to walk with me.

Will you live into this calling for my sake?

SILENT REFLECTION

SPECIAL MUSIC
What if God was One us Us?
By Joan Osborne

SERMON
By Her Holy Pinkness Bishop Barbie

STATEMENT OF FAITH (we read together)

We who profess the beliefs of the Brave New Church:

We declare that there are many interpretation and sources of sacred scripture and but one source from which our religious convictions are reflected and that Jesus of Nazareth is our spiritual guide, leader, and head of our church as he teaches us about the Divine within and practices of free Love.

We declare that God (the Divine) is within each of us and that Jesus the Christ is God's anointed and best Child.

We declare that Divine revelations to humanity are revealed in a holy myriad of ways; therefore, we should search for Divine truth, wisdom, and Love within the pages of our holy books, the world's many sacred scriptures, and our everyday spiritual and scientific explorations to know and commune with the Divine and one Another.

We declare that apart from our rituals and rites, our brothers and sisters of the Divine are free to interpret their Divine notions according to their own personal conscience, understanding, and religious schools of thought in which they belong,
Amen.

Do you, Name of Spearhead, take this job, to love honor and cherish the Brave New Church now and forevermore? To bring all peoples to the BNC that they might come to see true Divinity within and without?

I will, with the help of Bishop Barbie

I, Name of Spearhead take you, the BNC, to be my Spirit Friends. To have and to hold from this day forward, for demographic fortitude and rainbow ribbons, in health and prosperity, and to seek one nation, in free Love, under Divine watchfulness, indivisible, with unity and tolerance for all.

LAYING ON OF HANDS

A special stole is brought forward

Bishop Barbie places the stole upon the Holy Reverend Spearhead

BB: As a token of mutual fidelity, radical tolerance, unity and free Love, receive this token as an outward sign that the BNC owns you, your talents and abilities.”

Amen!

RECEPTION OF THE NEWLY INSTALLED

Please receive the Holy Spearhead with tithes and applause

CLOSING HYMN
Stairway to Heaven
By Led Zeppelin

BENEDICTION

O dear God, thank you. You are such a good God to us, a kind and gentle and accommodating God and we thank You, O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts for the smorgasbord you have so aptly lain at our table this day and each day by day.

Day by day by day.

O dear Lord, three things we pray: To love Thee more dearly, to see

Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly… day by day... by day.

Amen. Amen.

SOCIAL HOUR on the upper patio; all* are welcome.

*some

Pray Away the Gray!

2010-10-21T09:06:00.000-07:00

We here at the BNC Headquarters have noticed all of the colored clothing items designated for wear by the masses. There are purple days, red days, pink ribbon days, and due to the fall season upon us everyone seems to don brown in honor of colon health! Furthermore, ladies on the internet have been announcing the color of their underwear for the world to enjoy (although, Auntie Evelyn, no one really wanted to know any details). Obviously, attempts at fashion are at the forefront this late fall season!

We here at the Brave New Church home offices have no idea what the purposes of these single color campaigns are (mostly because we ignore any and all things related to our own interests, campaigns, and marketing) but we are very interested in creating a celebration of our own!

Introducing:

Pray Away the Gray!

As the fall leaves fade in glory and the winter doldrums set in, we find ourselves living in darkness. But as we all know, the BNC chooses life – and what better way to celebrate than to ensure every member of the BNC receives an Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat! We here at the BNC choose radical tolerance, unity, and free Love and today we add one more item to our list of goals for the winter: Fashionable Color! No more shall our BNC congregants exist in dull palates and tones! No longer shall our BNC members languish under the iron fist of single color fashion days!

We here at Higgins choose to dust away the days of only purple, red, pink, brown, etc., and enhance our wardrobes in celebration of the entire color spectrum!

Notice the following pitifully bland fashion samples and the sad faces that accompany their dismal fashion choices:

Really, friends, what are we dressing to support? International Fog Awareness? All of these sad and rather dismal looking specimens exists on the Gray Spectrum. Once we Prayed over their choices they came out of the closet wearing only the most beautiful array of brightly colored, joy inducing BNC sponsored clothing lines!

So join us as we Pray Away the Gray and introduce fashion that not only looks terrific, but chases away the Winter Blah’s while promoting radical tolerance, unity, and free Love! What a joy! What freedom! What bright shiney, happy people holding hands and hopes together!

Join us now as we Pray Away the Gray!

Mailbag Monday!

2010-10-19T21:24:00.000-07:00

Russ writes, "My Pinkness, I must confess to -er- certain urges of an alphabetical sort. I feel this compulsion, almost overwhelming, to trade one set of churchly initials for another. Now I know my ABCs but NALC keeps slipping in, entirely unbidden, I assure Your Pinkness. How should I handle these unwelcome and disturbing thoughts?"

Oh my darling Salt Man!

It is natural for all people to have “urges!”

Usually those special feelings begin in your mid-teen years as you try to locate the Divine within and many are so lucky to have a parent or guardian to help talk through all those thrilling new spiritual feelings! Salt Man, perhaps you have entered your first period of Spiritual Development; a special time when you will develop a spiritual growth and begin ascent on the Fowler Scale of Spiritual Development!

Now, you may be wondering how you fit into all of this, my darling. But the Lutheran church of the past has made Divine Development all so confusing! Everyone knows American Lutheranism has been an alphabet soup since its inception! Many of us remember the AALC, ALCA, AFLC, CALC, CLA, CLBA, CLC, ELCIC, ELS, FLC, ILF, LLC, LLC, LCCF, LCMS, LMS-USA, LCR, LCS, WELS, UALC, ULC, AELC, LCA, ALC, USA, CIA, NSA, YMCA, ROFL, LOL, and much, much more! Many today remember when these bodies were represented by the Norwegians, Swedes, Finns, Germans, Happy Danes, Sad Danes, Austrians and Swiss, leaving the heathens to their own denominational insults to true Divinity.

But those days are over! Until of January 1, 1988, most Lutherans were faced with only the bicameral Lutheran option: ALC or LCA. Once upon a time you found yourself attracted to the blond purity and radical passive-aggression ALC Lutheranism or committed to the hearty incense smoked bratwurst of the LCA and their swarthy Teutonic membership. But lo, the BNC was inaugurated!

Now we have extended ourselves to enjoy the many Divine urges we all face to explore our spirituality and find the appropriate spiritual dwelling place with those of like interests! Gone are the days of unity in the name of “Jesus Christ!”

We here at the BNC have replaced such outdated partisan nonsense with the joys of spiritual options! A little of Column A, a little from Column B and voila! Your spiritual urges and alphabetical desires have all been fulfilled!

My dearest, darling Salt Man, always remember that we here at the Brave New Church are deeply concerned with helping you fulfill your most private spiritual compulsions! All are welcome! All desires known should be brought out into the open – it is the BNC from whom you should hide no secrets!*

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

*NALC not included. Must be over 17 to discuss NALC. NALC available in all states. Void where prohibited. BNC subject to change without notice. Restrictions apply.

Cathy “Braaschenputtel” Braasch writes, “I have a question before I goes on retreat next week: What is the BNC's position on spiritual direction? Is it to be Oratatio, Meditatio, Tentatio; or Lectio, Meditatio, Contemplatio, and Oratio; or something entirely new? Does Her Pinkness have a spiritual director? What approach to Lectio do Her Pinkness and her spiritual director follow?”

Gracious my dear Braaschenputtel!

Such an alphabet soup! Perhaps you and the Salt Man should join forces to serve our Acrimonious Acronym Association of the BNC (especially when considering “alternative” to the BNC).

Naturally there is a grand tradition in “other” “church” bodies and their use of Oratatio, Meditatio and Tentatio (Prayer, Meditation, Trials/Anfechtung). While these are lovely notions of spirituality, it is the BNC that lights the way toward true spiritual contemplation and fulfillment because we aim to combine the best of all worldly meditations into one beautiful, unified institution!

My darling Cathy, let me introduce you to the BNC’s Threefold Pink Rose of Contemplation:

Rosatio Contemplatio, Amoratio, Unificatio.

Rosatio Contemplatio: Find a quiet and happy place. Breathe in and realize the unity you have between yourself and those throughout all of time and space. You are connected. You are one. Focus on the color Pink and the Love that emanates from your Brave New Church and Leader. Consider the lilies and how fabulous Bishop Barbie would look in florals. Be of one mind with Bishop Barbie. Envision a world of radical tolerance, unity, and free Love. Ask the Divine to bless your work… bring the Divine into your works and desires. Mold the Divine to yourself from the outside as you reach within to find the Divine on the inside.

Amoratio: Surround yourself with images of Love. The Divine Community has for far too long committed itself to the shackles of traditional, heterosexual and familial love. Free your mind and the rest will follow! Be colorblind, don’t be so shallow! Experiment with different configurations of Love and draw up a daily progress report for yourself. Once you have thrown off the shackles of tradition and see all Love opportunities with equal respect and joy, then you have achieved the heights of Amoratio!

Unificatio: This is the most difficult of the BNC spiritual practices. Only the most spiritually fit and committed to the BNC manage this practice. Please see me when you have completed your spiritual journey of reeducation and I shall unlock the secrets of Unificatio for you. Until then, I cannot share all our Spiritual Secrets or you would feel lacking in motivation, would you not?

You see, darling, Spiritual Direction ought always to point you back to your Holy Mother BNC, never elsewhere. Who else has your best interest at heart but your Bishop Barbie and Friends? I hope and pray that your current SD is full of free Love and teaching you in the ways of the Threefold Pink Rose of Contemplation!

Now my own Spiritual Directors include such impressive titles as Oprah Winfrey, Thich Nhat Hanh, Eckhart Tolle, Joel Osteen and Rahm Emanuel. Bishop Hanson did his very best to procure Winfrey, but his schedule only permitted weekly counsel calls with Woody Allen who truly portrays the human spiritual experience through his films and following his heart in any number of social and vocational decisions. Each of my Directors offers their own unique perspective on radical tolerance, unity and free Love, yet it is my duty and delight that I may take their nuggets of wisdom and apply it to Divine Scripture and our three-fold Rose of Contemplation!

So, Braaschenputtel, Spiritual Directors are standing by to aid you in your spiritual journey. We want to hold your hand as you experience our loving reeducation and redirection of your preexisting spiritual notions! Direct your whole heart to the BNC and experience unfettered tolerance and free Love for all!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

How Now, BNC Cow?

2010-10-15T06:34:00.000-07:00

An Exchange

2010-10-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

An Open Letter to “Bishop Barbie”

by Barbara Bruneau on Monday, October 11, 2010 at 5:25pm

To whomever is posing as “Bishop Barbie” on Facebook:

You’ve made quite a splash on Facebook in the past ten weeks – that’s how long it’s been since your first blog post and your first appearance on Facebook. In less than ten weeks, you’ve accumulated over 500 “friends” along with probably an equally large number who follow your comments without benefit of friendship.

At first your posts were witty and clever. While I didn’t agree with everything you said, I enjoyed following your daily comments. As time rolled on, however, your comments took on more of a biting edge. Even so, I continued to read your posts and occasionally found a nugget of truth under the sarcasm.

Today, however, the slippery slope has led you to cross the line into the territory of malicious, hurtful statements. I posted a status update indicating my prayers for those employees of ELCA headquarters who might learn today that their jobs are in jeopardy. You were quick to enter into the resulting conversation, not with any expression of care or concern for those whose future may look very bleak indeed, but instead with a snide comment about ignoring denominational difficulties as you celebrate National Coming Out Day.

You joke about this being National Coming Out Day – perhaps it is you who should “come out” from behind the “Bishop Barbie” mask and make your real identity known. If you have comments, criticisms, even sarcasm, that’s fine. But it seems to me that only a coward would take such cheap shots at others without owning their own statements.

You showed no awareness at all that these ELCA employees are real people experiencing real pain, unlike the artificial identity you have created. The price they are paying is high, unlike the cheap shots that flow so easily from your keyboard. The Gospel that you say the ELCA has left behind… doesn’t it call you to care for your neighbor in need? The catechism you hold in such high esteem… doesn’t it call you to put the best possible construction on the words and actions of your neighbor? Excuse me, Pesudo-Bishop Barbie, is that a log I see sticking out of your eye? Perhaps your plastic persona has blinded you to what it means to be real; you might check with a nearby Velveteen Rabbit for some coaching.

You have stopped being entertaining or thought-provoking. I’m sad to say, Pseudo-Bishop Barbie, that you are no longer my friend.

An Open Response to Ms. Barbara Bruneau

by Bishop Barbie on Tuesday, October 12, 2010 at 11:10am

Dear Friends and Acquaintances of Bishop Barbie,

Mrs. Barbara Bruneau wrote an open letter to my Pinkness and I’d like to offer a brief response.

First, I’d like to respond to the charge of identity. I don’t “expose” myself for two reasons (and neither reason is in the interest in cowardice). First, the character frankly doesn’t work when you know the writer behind it. Second, far too many have realized that dissent in the ELCA is greeted with vocational and social difficulties including firings, shunnings, etc. of too many pastors, leaders, and church members. You do not know this author’s place of employment and the fact that this author’s ability to speak freely is limited. Those who disagree with the ELCA’s decisions are brazenly put down and shunned while the content of grievances continue to go ignored amidst the clarion cry of “all are welcome!” and “we respect all bound consciences!”

It is a terribly sad sign of sin in the world and in our church body when there are objectively bad decisions made on all levels, only to see the results of those terrible decisions result in the job losses at ELCA Headquarters and in other places around the U.S. and the world. Even while Bishop Barbie and friends see a clear correlation between the reasons behind this layoff and church-wide decisions, we shouldn’t view the layoffs with joy as if it were the justice of “an eye for an eye” (“a job for a job”). In the end, it just means everyone is jobless and barely scraping by, which does nothing in service for the Gospel because all outsiders then see is our flagrant harm and further abuse of one another. Bishop Barbie realizes that the people who this affects on Higgins Road and elsewhere are real people with real families, real needs, and a real future to manage. Job loss is a type of death and these are real people experiencing the death of security, community, and more. You and I are called to pray for and objectively support those who suffered these losses. Along with prayer, where you find opportunities to support the life and livelihood of those who have lost their jobs, you are called to do it immediately, resourcefully, respectfully, and cheerfully.

All of this being said, Ms. Bruneau has called the author of Bishop Barbie to repentance. The author of Bishop Barbie confesses to the sin of misplaced and overly sharp words on this occasion – and even on other occasions. Bishop Barbie’s intent is to lampoon the circumstances of many in and surrounding the ELCA and is rarely at a loss for material. The intent of the comment on Bruneau’s page was intended to critique the cause behind the job losses, not the job losses themselves. Nevertheless, the author realizes he caused unnecessary pain and chose to comment unwisely about terrible circumstances - circumstances in which even the author finds reprehensible regardless of reasons behind them. I repent of this sin against you and those who lost their jobs. I apologize to those I hurt by my misplaced comment so wisely exposed by Ms. Bruneau.

Not a Moment for Butterfly Kisses,
The Author of Bishop Barbie

An Open Response to Bishop Barbie

Dear BB Author,

Thank you for your candid and thoughtful response to my open letter.

I have read and re-read your description of the sense of vulnerability that you and others feel, which results in your choice to remain anonymous. While I’m not convinced that anonymity elevates the level of any discussion, I am so very sad that you experience a spirit of intolerance that makes you feel that you must remain hidden. I suspect that all of us, on all sides of this conversation, need to examine our own words and actions that may serve to polarize rather than to foster dialogue.

I believe that the layoff decisions by the ELCA are the result of a complex set of causes. While you have identified some of the threads in that matrix, I would argue that the economic recession (predating the 2009 CWA by at least a year) also plays a role. And what seems to me to be an increasing sense of distrust for any hierarchy (in church, in government, in all sorts of social institutions) has also served to erode support for the institutional church (in the ELCA as well as other denominations). Whatever the cause, I completely agree with your description of the tragedy of job loss, and I join in your call for all of us to help in any way that we can.

One of the persons who commented on my open letter said that my words “have fulfilled the function of the law, and brought repentance and a confession.” If God has used our conversation in that way, I am honored to have been part of this dialogue. And even though I don’t know who you are, the Office of the Keys allows me to assure you of forgiveness. Go in peace. Amen.

Pastor Barbara Bruneau

Ignorance: It's Your Problem

2010-10-06T21:43:00.000-07:00

I write to you today about a very serious matter:

Ignorance

Ignorance is a disease plaguing many congregations in the Brave New Church and affiliates and we here at the home offices have finally done something about this problem. We are working our way down the age bracket to reach every member of the BNC in a grassroots program we now title, “No Child Left Behind.”

This year we have begun the program at the Bachelors level: at BNC Colleges and Universities nationwide.

So many forget the true meaning of a “Liberal Arts Education.” Unlike most colleges, universities, and institutes, a liberal arts designation means freedom to explore and have opportunities thrust upon you like beacons in the night! Cast off the rigors of Reading, ‘Riting, and ‘Rithmetic for the greater good found in Sexuality Studies! Angry about patriarchy? Try a major in Women’s Studies! There is no need for hard science or history – only a great imagination to interpret the troubles of today!

Back in 2007 The Los Angeles Times reported a smorgasbord of fine educational options for your budding young Einstein and there has yet to be much change in the academic rigmarole:

1. 'The Phallus'
Occidental College. A seminar in critical theory and social justice, this class examines Sigmund Freud, phallologocentrism and the lesbian phallus.

2. 'Queer Musicology'
UCLA. This course welcomes students from all disciplines to study what it calls an "unruly discourse" on the subject, understood through the works of Cole Porter, Pussy Tourette and John Cage.

3. 'Taking Marx Seriously'
Amherst College. This advanced seminar for 15 students examines whether Karl Marx still matters despite the countless interpretations and applications of his ideas, or whether the world has entered a post-Marxist era.

4. 'Adultery Novel'
University of Pennsylvania. Falling in the newly named "gender, culture and society" major, this course examines novels and films of adultery such as "Madame Bovary" and "The Graduate" through Marxist, Freudian and feminist lenses.

5. 'Blackness'
Occidental College. Critical race theory and the idea of "post-blackness" are among the topics covered in this seminar course examining racial identity. A course on whiteness is a prerequisite.

6. 'Border Crossings, Borderlands: Transnational Feminist Perspectives on Immigration'
University of Washington. This women studies department offering takes a new look at recent immigration debates in the U.S., integrating questions of race and gender while also looking at the role of the war on terror.

7. 'Whiteness: The Other Side of Racism'
Mount Holyoke College. The educational studies department offers this first-year, writing-intensive seminar asking whether whiteness is "an identity, an ideology, a racialized social system," and how it relates to racism.

8. 'Native American Feminisms'
University of Michigan. The women's studies and American culture departments offer this course on contemporary Native American feminism, including its development and its relation to struggles for land.

9. '"Mail Order Brides?" Understanding the Philippines in Southeast Asian Context'
Johns Hopkins University. This history course â€” cross-listed with anthropology, political science and studies of women, gender and sexuality â€” is limited to 35 students and asks for an anthropology course as a prerequisite.

10. 'Cyberfeminism'
Cornell University. Cornell's art history department offers this seminar looking at art produced under the influence of feminism, post-feminism and the Internet.

11. 'American Dreams/American Realities'
Duke University. Part of Duke's Hart Leadership Program that prepares students for public service, this history course looks at American myths, from "city on the hill" to "foreign devil," in shaping American history.

12. 'Nonviolent Responses to Terrorism'
Swarthmore College. Swarthmore's "peace and conflict studies" program offers this course that "will deconstruct 'terrorism' " and "study the dynamics of cultural marginalization" while seeking alternatives to violence.

Now, I realize many my darling non-BNC privileged elite will offer a hearty tsk’ tsk’ in an effort to show unenlightened disagreement with such marvelous thought-provoking courses of study! So, without further ado I introduce to you the next step in progressive liberal arts education:

If you do not come to the BNC banner of radical tolerance, unity, and free Love, we will come to you! Behold Gustavus Adolphus College! This is a fine BNC-affiliated institution founded in 1862 by Swedish Lutherans. Home to the annual Nobel Conference, this school of progressive thought boasts 75 different majors, a fine roster of athletic opportunities, and a rainbow colored tapestry of student organizations! Each year approximately 2,500 fresh faced blondes join to ranks of exceptional BNC education and we see to it that each young adult is exposed to as many options as possible for personal and academic exploration.

Because so many students at many institutions around the world are committed to only traditional academic and lifestyle expectations, Gustavus Adolphus College has ever so Bravely offered a beautiful introduction for incoming freshman as to the breadth and depth of opportunities previously unheard of while growing up in a limited home environment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvIEq3kWPYQ&feature=related

Poetry! Pageantry! New Pals and Partners! Could there possibly be a better way to introduce the many options available to little Johnny and his former high school girlfriend, Susie?

The Brave New Church and educational affiliates recognize that we can no longer idle by and beg students into our coursework and extra-curricular offerings. No, we will now come directly to the student!

Because if the BNC supported “Queers and Allies” student group at GA can’t effectively Love your child into tolerance, acceptance, and unfettered sexual experimentation, who will?

Mailbag, er, Wednesday

2010-10-06T16:09:00.000-07:00

Bethany writes, “Ecumenical relationships. How are we to go about such relationships and conversations -- being proud of our shared heritage? Blending in and becoming more like our new friends to make them feel welcome in our worship?”

Dearest Bethany,

Ecumenical relationships have been terribly strained recently due to lack of unified vision and celebratory receptions held in honor of our great institutional decisions!

You see, Bethany, I find the age-old trouble of ecumenism within the old hymn titled, “God’s Word is our Great Heritage.” It is terribly disheartening to see this hymn included even in the new Evangelical Lutheran Worship (BNC-ELW #509)! The Divine Words are so often misinterpreted in thought, word, and deed that we must separate ourselves from such divisive nonsense! There are so many unfortunate souls who rest on this antiquated notion we can come together on “God’s Word.” How could we possibly find a means of ecumenism based on a book that was only ever agreed upon among dead church patriarchs like Origen and Athanasius and at committees like the 393 Synod of Hippo. Even those committees were not carefully made up of a diversity of representatives including women, those of alternative sexualities, Hispanics, and liberals! Completely untrustworthy!

Their decisions have caused nothing but division and heartache for us. Therefore, in order to turn over a new leaf, we here at the BNC are dropping all hints of our former Lutheranism, so-called “Biblical” and “Confessional” commitments, etc. With such things behind us we are on the cutting edge of “Reformed and ever Reforming!” Semper Reformanda: A New Age! Now we seek up those things of commonality among us all:

Vestments!

Liturgical Dance!

The Unity of Holy Eucharist!

Non-Gender Specific Pronouns!

Banners!

Handicrafts!

Potluck Dinners and Coffee!

So now let it be said that Divine Tolerance, Unity, and free Love is our Great Heritage! So it is now written, so it must be done.

We are a tapestry of bright colors of the rainbow – a people of no commitments and loads of spirituality! We are a church committed to ecumenism based on those things we can agree on! And, at the end of the day, if you won’t accept the views of the BNC, then it’s pretty clear who the divisive one is.

Peter writes, “I know in the church we have all these festivals for long dead saints we don't really know, like St Lawrence or Santa Lucia, and we give the Reformers a Sunday in October, but even they have been dead for 500 years. Is there any way we could start celebrating on a denominational level some of the more recently dead saints whose contributions to proclaiming the Gospel we're more familiar with? People like Bonhoeffer, Elert and Forde and the others?”

Oh my Dear Peter!

What a fascinating question! You are such an inquisitive member of our Brave New Church and I give thanks for your presence!

Now, there are two issues at stake here that I find of tremendous importance.

First, we do have a lovely slew of old Saints like St. Lawrence, St. Lucia, St. Olaf, St. Anselm, and the like. But we must remember these saints of old are dead and gone. The beauty of their absence is that we no longer have to listen to the things they said that we don’t like! Death of the saints is a Holy Mute Button given to us by the Hand of the Divine so that we can focus most acutely on the sayings of these people that we desire to hear. A saint is a dead person revised and properly edited so we have the appropriate role model!

The trouble with modern saints is that we have not yet achieved critical distance to the do the cleanup work necessary for use in our church liturgy. There are still people living who actually knew Bonhoeffer, Elert, Forde, and others and the BNC is keeping a close watch on them. We must be vigilant to note patterns of influence rendered by their body of work, life, and death! For example, in the case of Gerhard Forde, he is a recently published author but also recently deceased. Many of his students still speak out in support of his male-pronoun, non-inclusive, confessionally minded blather. While we are aware that there are many in Missouri and Wisconsin Synod Lutheranism that find Forde far too liberal for their taste (which is at least a few point in the positive column), we are still concerned that he is idolized by such groups as the LCMC, NALC, and other breakaway rogue church bodies. Obviously Forde among others have not achieved critical Mute Button distance. So we wait.

Until then, those modern day saints we choose to lift up include the following for their incisive work and quotable soundbites of great theological insight:

“They say there's a heaven for those who will wait. Some say it's better, but I say it ain't. I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. Sinners are much more fun...” Billy Joel

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust

“To be conscious of Being, you need to reclaim consciousness from the mind. This is one of the most essential tasks on your spiritual journey.” Eckhart Tolle

“At any moment, you have a choice, that either leads you closer to your spirit or further away from it”. Thich Nhat Hanh

“I say quite deliberately that the Christian religion, as organized in its churches, has been and still is the principal enemy of moral progress in the world.” Bertrand Russell

“For nearly a hundred years, we have known that the material world is an illusion. Everything that seems solid - a rock, a tree, your body - is actually 99.999% empty space.” Deepak Chopra

“God wants us to prosper financially, to have plenty of money, to fulfill the destiny He has laid out for us.” Joel Osteen

“We’re going to Australia!” Oprah Winfrey

If you can think of any way to include these modern figures into our daily liturgy or lectionary, your input is most welcomed!

Eileen writes, “Dear Bishop Barbie, I hope I'm not too late for the Monday Mailbag. The Brave New Church is exciting and I really would like to be active in this BNC. There may be one problem (well, I hope it won't be a problem). I've been reading your postings and know of your leadership in being completely accepting of all persons, especially, LGBTQAP³. You also write that you are looking at ways to include the Narcissamory/Self-Love, Two-Spirit, and Objectum Sexuality. I happen to be a woman - married for quite some time to, dare I say it, a man. Yes, Bishop Barbie, I am involved in a heterosexual relationship . Is there a place in that acronym for me?

Also - do you do supply? Keep expanding our horizons, Bishop Barbie”

My Darling Eileen!

I am so pleased to know of your commitment to full inclusion! Naturally this means you, yourself, strive for acceptance in our Brave New Church and we seek to welcome you in many and wonderful ways. There are a variety of ways you can serve us and you may take the time to print, check off, and mail the following to the BNC Headquarters for review and assignment.

==============================================

Time and Talent BNC Pledge and Appropriations Worksheet

“Since, then, we have such a hope, we act with great boldness.” 2 Cor 3:12

Instructions: Listed on both sides of this form are a variety of opportunities to give of your spiritual gifts through the pledging of time and talent. If you have a question about any of the opportunities to serve please contact the BNC Home Office. Please complete one Time and Talent Pledge sheet for each family member. If you need extra sheets, they are available in the Church office or may be downloaded off our website (www.bishopbarbie00.blogspot.com). Thank you in advance for the generous giving of your time and talent. Please join us in praying that we will all be strengthened to serve and give and appropriate your time, talents, and resources to their greater use in our Brave New Church.

Name:

Address:

Phone:

E-mail:

Blood Type:

Donor (circle one): Yes No

Personal Hobbies:

Social Justice Organizations I am involved with:

I self identify as:

􀀀 Bisexual

􀀀 Gay

􀀀 Lesbian

􀀀 Transgendered

􀀀 Androgynous

􀀀 Genderqueer

􀀀 Transitioning

􀀀 Exploring

􀀀 Uncertain

􀀀 Pansexual

􀀀 Narcissamorous

􀀀 Objectum Sexual

􀀀 Other

I self-identify as:

􀀀 African-American

􀀀 Asian

􀀀 Native American

􀀀 Hispanic

􀀀 Alternative Non-European

􀀀 Combination of the above

􀀀 None of the Above

I self-identify in the following liquid economic bracket:

􀀀 $0- $2500

􀀀 $2501- $5000

􀀀 $5001- $10,000

􀀀 $10,001- $50,000

􀀀 $50,001- $75,000

􀀀 $75,001- $100,000

􀀀 $100,001- $250,000

􀀀 $250,001- $500,000

􀀀 $500,001- $1,000,000

􀀀 $1,000,000+

I self-identify as the following:

􀀀 Democrat

􀀀 Green

􀀀 Socialist

􀀀 Communist

􀀀 Peace and Freedom Party

􀀀 Pirate Party of the United States

􀀀 Prohibition Party

􀀀 Socialist Equality Party

􀀀 United States Marijuana Party

􀀀 Workers Party

􀀀 Independent

􀀀 Working Families Party

􀀀 Libertarian

􀀀 Republican

􀀀 Tea Party

Please answer the following questions

I struggle with:

I find the following verses or stories in Scripture to be of relative importance and/or I am currently wrestling with the following:

I feel the following when I see this photograph:

􀀀 Confident

􀀀 Amazed

􀀀 Accepting

􀀀 Great

􀀀 Overjoyed

􀀀 Thankful

􀀀 Peaceful

􀀀 Important

􀀀 Festive

􀀀 Playful

􀀀 Liberated

􀀀 Optimistic

􀀀 Full of Spirit

􀀀 Clever

􀀀 Jubilant

􀀀 Free and Easy

􀀀 Reassured

􀀀 Dynamic

􀀀 Helpless

􀀀 Incapable

􀀀 Paralyzed

􀀀 Pained

􀀀 Fatigued

􀀀 Desperate

􀀀 Vulnerable

􀀀 Hesitant

􀀀 Despair

􀀀 Frustrated

􀀀 Tragic

􀀀 Pessimistic

􀀀 Dominated

􀀀 Dismayed

􀀀 In a Stew

􀀀 Lonely

􀀀 Grieved

􀀀 Secure

NEW MEMBER SOLICITATION AND ORIENTATION

􀀀 Attend BNC New Member Welcome Dinner

􀀀 Provide Food for BNC New Member Dinner

􀀀 Canvas Neighborhood for BNC Members

􀀀 Pie Ministry (Prepare and/or Deliver)

MUSIC

􀀀 BNC Glee Club

􀀀 Barbershop Quartet

􀀀 Proficient in modern instrument

(Electric Guitar, Bass, Drums, Accordion, or Saxophone)

􀀀 Cow Bell Choir

ARTS

􀀀 Banner making

􀀀 Sanctuary Decorating

􀀀 Fellowship Hall Decorating

􀀀 Handicrafts

I am willing to participate in or lead the following groups:

􀀀 ELCA: Counting the Losses

􀀀 Friday Night Date Night

􀀀 Young Activists Group

􀀀 BNC Youth

􀀀 Liturgical Dance Team/Ministry of Embodiment

􀀀 BNC Workers Union

􀀀 Powerful Women of the BNC

􀀀 BNC Intelligence Agency (some field work required)

􀀀 Coffee Hour Preparation

=============================================

**At this time we are not accepting any new traditionally married heterosexual couples in significant leadership roles. I do hope you understand that we strive to ensure equality at all levels of the BNC which means we must place you and your male counterpart on the Holy Sidelines for a few seasons. As a consequence, we also find no reason to add ‘H’ to our acronym, as it promotes a medieval sense of oppression upon the masses who have alternative yet equally valid orientations – those who we find existing in the promised land of acceptance within our BNC acronym: LGBTQAP³

P.S. I do supply on occasion. But I require a very specialized pulpit and liturgical accoutrement for the occasion.

Mailbag Monday Part II

2010-09-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

Bonnie writes, “Any ministry opportunities linked to the new TLC series on polygamy, ‘Sister Wives’?”

-AND-

Cathi writes, “I second Bonnie Nordvall's suggestion re missional implications and approaches related to Sister Wives. This descendent of sister-wife great-great grandmothers thanks God for a conversion journey began in an LCMS VBS a bit over half a century ago, and cannot wait to see the series, not to mention what BpB and others at 8765 (such as friends in the Ecumenical and Interreligious Affairs Office) would have to say on the topic.”

The premiere episode introduces viewers to Kody Brown, his three wives Meri, Janelle and Christine, and their thirteen children. They live in a ranch-style home that, although interconnected, is subdivided into three separate apartments that give each wife their own bedroom, kitchen and living space. Eventually, Kody and his wives tell the children he is courting a fourth wife, Robyn Sullivan, who herself already has three children. Meanwhile, the wives explain they do not plan to force their children into polygamist lifestyles or arrange their marriages for them, but rather will encourage them to make their own choices. The children attend a polygamist cooperative school, while Kody and Janelle both work full-time as Meri pursues a long-delayed college degree. The family discusses their strong spiritual faith, and the episode includes both blessings at dinner and an evening family prayer. The episode also highlights the fact that Brown operates on a rotating schedule that dictates which wife he will spend the night with. Although Brown has sex with all three of his wives, they make clear the women never sleep with each other, a concept they consider immoral. The episode ends with Kody going on a date with Robyn.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sister_Wives)

Oh my darling Bonnie!

You are so brilliant to ask for my holy insight into these societal and cultural movements of our day!

The new TLC educational event, “Sister Wives” is of major importance to our Brave New Church, which is why we are scheduling “Sister Wives Wednesday’s” in place of the usual Wednesday evening confirmation and other youth events. Each church is expected to piece together a comfortable, relationally conducive atmosphere including the at least 2-3 of each of the following:

Display:

Flat Screen HD equipped TV

Projector

Pull-down screen

Internet/FIOS/Cable capabilities

Seating:

Couch

Futon

Bean Chair

Stadium Seating

Snacks:

Fair Trade Pretzels

Fair Trade Chocolate

Various Fair Trade Dried Fruits and Nuts

Blue M&M’s

Jiffy Pop

Additional Resources:

BNC Approved Bible

BNC Approved Sister Wives Study and Discussion Guide

You see, Bonnie, the ministry opportunity available because of this Brave New Series is manifold! Our culture has told so many people within our churches that relationships are limited to one man and one woman when in reality there are many men and many women who desire relationships!

While we’re still stuck in the mode of many women and only one man, it is certainly a step in the right direction! Soon we will have the sort of free Love endorsed by the Brave New Church where all men, women, and others at all times and places will be able to enjoy the right to the deep Love and relationships created through sexual congress!

It is our responsibility and great joy to share the many possibilities and variations of sexual relationships available which naturally results in deep feelings of Love which we know brings a smile the face of the Divine! And isn’t that the sole purpose of our existence: finding joy in sex and Love to create a Divine smile!

Julie writes, “In the grand hierarchy of creation, does having a horn sticking out of your head indicate a higher state if being than having a miter sticking out of your head?”

Dearest Julie,

Naturally, as the Mailbag Monday Part I post would indicate, a horn on the front of your head is a marvelous means of pointing heavenward toward the Divine! But I must say I had not yet considered the possibility of a miterhorn! Naturally I have hiked the Austrian Miterhorn in all its Divine glory, but I had not yet considered a miterhorn implant!

Oh the holiness such a holy implant would provide! A prosthetic for those who have been handicapably limited from spirituality!

Rebecca writes, “I keep hearing that as long as something doesn't harm someone else, it should be ok to do it, even if scripture says otherwise. But... if I break the first three commandments, I don't really hurt anyone but God... so please explain why I should keep the first three commandments when it's not really hurting anyone if I don't. Thanks!”

Oh my Rebecca,

I feel as though you nearly stumped me! But then I quickly remembered the Divine Spark we each have within us which is why we ought to keep even the first three commandments!

For example, the first commandment according to the Small Catechism reads the following:

I am the LORD the Divine. You shall have no other Divinity except for mine.

You must recognize the Divine in all men, women, children, places, and things! If you do not you are hurting the Divine within Me AND within you! The same goes for your tone of voice. For example, I have heard that for every adoring fan of me and the BNC there are those who call me coward and sniping – how hurtful to my Holiness! It hurts the Divinity (extra Divine – I’m ordained as a BISHOP!) within me that so many use my name in a tone of malice instead of Love! The name Bishop Barbie shall only be spoken in a tone of Divine Deference, tolerance, unity, and Love!

Furthermore, it is my right to demand you respect the terribly challenging nature of my work! You should at all times and in all places respect my need for three days of rest per week and at least three months of vacation per year!

Thank you Rebecca. Your question allowed me to address a number of Divine issues that were bubbling up deep inside my Holiness.

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Mailbag Monday Part I

2010-09-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

Mike writes, "Your Eminencess--sometimes it seems to me that the BNC is simply the praying wing of the Democratic Party. Am I wrong? Or are there any BNC positions that a conscientiously-bound conservative like me could support? OR am I and others like me simply in need of reprogramming? Exile? Is there a camp where you would send me?"

Oh my Dear Mike!

How intuitive you are to see the commitment we have toward the liberal elite – the true chosen party of the Divine! The BNC is working around the clock against every evil scheme of the conservative agenda, seeking to free those like you who are in bondage to Reaganomics and other injustices and cannot free yourself! Furthermore, you have the entire relationship backwards. The Democratic Party is the Justice Wing of Social Action OF THE BNC! You appear to doubt our reach?

But I am concerned you use such terribly excessive language such as “Exile” and “Reprogramming.” Gracious! We shall do no such thing! Rather, we plan to redirect your being toward a new program! Indeed, we have created a new camp just for people who struggle with compulsive conservative impulses!

This new Program is facilitated by the same fine church leaders who create New Image Weight Loss Camp and Scientology for Kids summer camps nationwide! During the initial 7-Day Detox we provide a proprietary schedule of sleep deprivation and ketogenic foodstuffs to calm the neuropaths which influence your political and theological predilections. Mornings begin at 4 a.m. with 3 hours of yoga led by guru specialists flown in from Central Asia followed by a brisk plunge in our lake – the lake which previous successful campers dug and filled as their capstone project toward the beginning of summer! Much of your day will be spent in special lessons from a variety of BNC leaders and educators with special media hours for your viewing pleasure.

Please see an example of the fine work our BNC Experience has caused in even our most difficult cases:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T89dQxMbiUA

An example of your daily meal includes watching your leaders consume the following on your behalf while you pray for release from your captive soul:

Breakfast: Scrambled egg and apple sauce meal

45 grams whole raw egg

15 grams butter

3 grams nuts

30 grams raw granny smith apple

13 grams fresh olive oil

10 grams regular butter

5 grams thickened Farmers’ Union cream

Lunch: Creamy bacon meal

20 grams raw green capsicum

20 grams raw celery

20 grams raw brown onion

64 grams 35% ideal dairy cream

27 grams lean middle bacon

22 grams Sundew margarine

Dinner: Chicken and vegetable stir-fry

30 grams peeled raw carrot

30 grams raw green capsicum

30 grams raw broccoli

14 grams raw brown onion

23 grams lean raw chicken breast

42 grams olive oil

5 grams commercial soy sauce

As you grow in peace, tolerance, unity, justice, and free Love every day we offer you more and more privileges. After each lecture we allow you to check your progress by means of an E-Meter which audits you Justice and Love-based progress. These specialized machines are on loan from the kind people at the Dianetics Institute of California (Bishop Hanson is close friends with John Travolta and Tom Cruise, allowing such a terrific deal!). Please see more at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E-meter. Note that while this machine notes your progressive electrical response to a variety of questions, there is no pain involved – only the joy of true Love and recovery!

So join us, Mike, as we journey together faithfully on the road to recovery!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Mary writes, “Bishop Barbie, Not only are you setting the pace for spiritual and social reform in the BNC, but you are making a fashion statement. Who is your designer? Have you considered developing a line of clerical clothing? Marketing such trendy ready-to-wear could assist the BNC making another progressive post-modern move -- promoting prosperity theology.”

-AND-

Steve writes, “Being an average- or even rather homely-looking person, I must object to your picture-perfect looks. Aren't you being just a little too 'lookist' for the BNC? And is that look in your eyes full radical inclusion or some come-hither deal?”

Oh my darlings Mary and Steve!

I am so glad you see my commitment to whole evangelism and church life! Really, if you are going to act as a Brave New Leader you simply must exist as a Bravely Fashionable person!

The express purpose of fashion is to draw the sights of all men, women, and others into a glorious vision of humanity as we represent tolerance, unity, and free Love! Here are a few examples of ways we have reinterpreted the symbolic nature of the tab collar to show better how we are all part of the Priesthood of All Believers! Even Pop Stars have joined our movement!

You see, Steve, it is imperative that you resolve your homeliness. We here at the Brave New Church simply cannot abide the unattractive in positions of leadership. How else will our critical mass of followers find us attractive if we have not yet undergone the proper makeover and plastic assessment? “Lookist” is never a naughty word, my dear. The “come hither” look you see in my eyes is simply modernspeak for “Come! All are Welcome! All are included! Come hither and join us in our journey toward free Love!”

Will you join me in our Fashionable Journey at the BNC HQ? The Catwalk is simply rife with opportunity!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Eric writes, “Does life consist of anything greater than myself?”

Oh, my dearest Eric!

What an open-minded question! Naturally life consists of something greater than yourself! There are concepts like Justice, Unity, Tolerance, and Love to attend – and do you know where you can participate in all these things in a manner of being greater than just your little old self? That’s right! In the Brave New Church!

Now, it all does begin in the greatness of yourself, whereas you may meditate and look deep inside your being to find the spark of Divinity. In faith, you have Chosen to give the Divine permission to become One with you, empowering your sense of self and self-in-the-world. This is the first step toward becoming greater than yourself – choosing to step beyond the tools you were first given at birth.

Next is declaring membership in the BNC. Once you are one of Us, you have many opportunities to donate money, time, and much energy to our organization! To begin, please place a handkerchief on your computer screen over this blog page and pray with me:

Oh Mother Wisdom Divine,

I pray that You make me Greater than my current Being.

Please grant everlasting Justice, Unity, and Love

to me and all others in this world.

Please bless the Brave New Church in their ongoing work.

Butterfly Kisses from the Earth,

This prayer will be more effective if you can speak it in a language that does not exist in the West. Then wrap a $50.00 bill in this kerchief, mail it to our BNC HQ and wait for an outpouring of personal growth and blessing creating a greater self for you than there was before!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie

Donavon writes, “Will my theological unicorn go to heaven with me?”

-AND-

Jon writes, “Related to Donavon's question: will Princess Unicorn go to heaven? "My horn can pierce the sky!"

Oh my darling Mr. Donavon and Jon!
You two are like my own little boys at Christmas! My own little ones occasionally worry that G.I. Joe may not go to the Divine Rest with them, and there has been some recent concern over puppies and kittens alike.
But to answer your question: YES. Oh my goodness, a thousand times over, YES!

The Unicorn is such a powerful representation of the Divine Spirituality poured out for us like Butterfly Kisses from Heaven! Even the beautiful horn points straight to the Spiritual Realm which we all seek to achieve daily, nightly, and ever so rightly! In fact, many days I put on my faux horn just to remind myself of my own spiritual powers and abilities (granted by virtue of my Bishopess Ordination into the Historic and Bishopric Episcopate!). Sadly, though, I wore the horn to bed one night and it accidentally pierced a leaping kitten. Needless to say, my dear little ones and I had to have a difficult conversation about where all theological unicorns go who claim the souls of cute kittens.
Does this effectively answer your query, my dears?

A Brave New Family

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie

Mailbag, er, Tuesday!

2010-09-21T11:01:00.001-07:00

My Darlings I must apologize! I was away observing the joyous events of the Town Hall Meeting which put my Monday posting behind. Could you ever forgive me?

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Kay writes, “Dear Bishop Barbie, your Pinkishness,

From the ELCA Churchwide Office BIBLE-READINGS@LISTSERV.ELCA.ORG today was sent the following reading from 2 Kings 17:24-41 (that is in the Bible, in case you forgot).

"The king of Assyria brought people from Babylon, Cuthah, Avva, Hamath, and Sepharvaim, and placed them in the cities of Samaria in place of the people of Israel; they took possession of Samaria, and settled in its cities. When they first settled there, they did not worship the Lord; therefore the Lord sent lions among them, which killed some of them. ..."

This goes on to tell what God does to those who worship other gods. How does our Brave New Church explain this reading, in light of the prayers to the goddess Sophia that have been offered by some bishops of the BNC? Anxiously and breathlessly awaiting your answer.

My dearest Kay,

What an insightful question! We here at the BNC find ourselves in the 7^th Level of Heaven when we hear of our constituents reading through the Book of Faith! I trust you are using our Book of Faith resources? If not, please see the following link for an exegetical pick-me-up:

http://www.bookoffaith.org/default.htm

Now, you sound like you are in need of pastoral care – perhaps a Ministry of Divine Presence? Operators here at the BNC HQ are waiting to take your call!

Your fears and concerns appear to be related to the notion that the Divine would kill those who speak the Divine name wrongly. We here at the BNC have recognized such confusion about the name of the Divine and resolved to create a liturgical committee to study such matters. We have discovered the following:

The reason for Divine wrath was because of the SPECIFICITY of the names used! Those who sought to speak to the Divine used improper and undesirable language about the Divine so that the Divine felt like the Divine was being mocked (no different than my kids on the playground, I suspect).

In order to avoid messy lion scenarios and bad press, we here at the BNC are committed to avoiding all lion-related problems by using only adjectival descriptions of the Divine! Furthermore, in the case that Jesus is not the Anointed One, we simply refer exclusively to the Child of God as “the Christ” or “Christ the Lord.” After all, mentioning the name “Jesus” simply causes confusion and discomfort, does it not? In the same vein, referring to Sophia simply pronounces how we believe the Divine to be the summation of all Wisdom! Naturally we desire to avoid insulting the Divine and reaping such terrible wrath. Therefore, we have expanded our nomenclatural repertoire to the benefit of widening our diverse Believer Base! The new rules are as follows:

1. Adjectives Only

2. Gender specifics out

3. The More Diverse, the Better!

I hope you will join us, Kay, as we seek greater diversity, tolerance, and unity in utilizing the full of rainbow of names available for the Divine! After all, you don’t want to be Lion Food, do you?

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Arte writes, "What are your thoughts on these new synods? Which is the true "Lutheran" church?"

Oh my Arne,

Silly you! Synod simply comes from compounding two Greek words into one (See? Merger!):

1. “SYN” which means “Together”

2. “HODOS” which means “Way” or “the Course”

So, together we find the way! Remember, the BNC is founded entirely on togetherness and free communion with all. We must seek ways to see together at all costs!

Generally, we here at the Brave New Church HQ choose to ignore the antics of these “alternative” “Lutheran” sects. Every now and again, however, we discover leaders, clergy, and other membership behaving non-hoditically and non-cooperatively. This is terrible treachery! For as many times as we have sent in Bishops and other staff to properly re-educate and bring these dissenters back into the line of vision we share, there are some who simply cannot be saved. Have you ever read Stephen King’s Quitters Inc.? There are simply some who cannot be managed. While we do not resort to methods of violence (we are full of Love, after all!) we must maintain the holiness and purity of our church and keep a pure roll of employees and copacetic membership.

The true Lutheran church is the church that does not feel the need to call itself Lutheran! True Lutherans will seek to become unified in a tolerant and Loving front at all costs – even if it means we occasionally must ask some of our leaders to move on to other forms of employment and existence. These new synods are really no synods at all, my dear Arte. They are the runoff of those who were unable to be convinced that radical tolerance, unity, and free Love are the Way of the Divine! Sadly, those “synods” are nothing more than groups of intolerant, angry, homophobic, and mostly white individuals. We wish them well and when they choose to modify their behavior we shall slowly reintroduce them to our faithful, Loving community.

Arte, please inform my staff as soon as possible the position you are in regarding church membership. We wish to support you however you come! All are welcome!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Anonymous writes:

“Dear Her Holiness Bishop Barbie,

I keep noticing the expansion of the inclusivity nomials—GLBTQIA…--and am wondering when those who decide such things (You?) will include polyamors, pedophiles and beastials within the rainbow of sexually diverse orientations?

Also, at the secular university where I live, the G and L are always reversed. I’m not sure if this is because women are superior or “ladies first.” What do you think? Also, what about all these titles? Aren’t we really trying to achieve full egalitarian equality?”

Dearest Anonymous,

I am so pleased to note your commitment to our increasingly welcome worshiping environment!

Indeed, when the nomenclature was first introduced, the title read, “GLB,” then “GLBT,” now “GLBTQ” and in the most progressive and welcomgin communities it is “LGBTQ.” The reason for the switch between the ‘L’ and ‘G’ has nothing to do with gender protocols, but with justice. My dear, those who gender-identify as “female,” have often been oppressed by those who gender-identify as “male.” Placing the ‘L’ first is yet another subtle way of empowering the oppressed by placing them first in line!

We here at the Brave New Church Headquarters are working around the clock to manage the flood of new research done on the gender, sexuality, and other variables in order to be most welcoming. You have mentioned Polyamors and Pedophiles and we have adjusted these titles to P³. Although you mentioned “Bestiality” which has received such a terribly bad name over time, so we have renamed animal love “Aniamory” and its subsequent “A” to the acronym. At this point we have only managed to title the expanding welcome sect to:

LGBTQAP³

However, we are looking into the near additions of Narcissamory/Self-Love, Two-Spirit, and Objectum Sexuality. After all, who are we to judge individual sexual, romantic, gender, and role preference? In fact, we look forward to the day when all people, places, and things will be able to self identify either as an Androgyn or Genderqueer in order to level all self-expressions of person, sexuality, and interest. The day shall come when all people shall be judged by the quality of their character and no longer by their personal gender and sexual preferences!

Dearest Anonymous, I hope I have managed to spearhead your question and give you hope toward a Brave New Future!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Sermon Help

2010-09-16T09:08:00.001-07:00

My Dearest Pets! We here at the Brave New Church offices recognize your week is thoroughly consumed with Justice and Love related activities as you faithfully spread the good news of radical tolerance to all! Upon realizing the difficulties of the upcoming text from Luke, we have created a sermon outline for you. If you are the leader of your congregation, please use the following support. If not, please share with the leader of your church as soon as possible! The following is designed that you can modify the sermon according to the preferences of your worshiping community and scripture reading:

Grace, Peace, and Holy Love to you from _______________ (adjective), _______________ (adjective) _______________ (Adjective similar to personal pronoun), Amen!

_____________________________ (personal story about personal difficulties)

_____________________________ (secondary example from Chicken Soup for the Soul series)

Turn _________________ (preposition) me now to the words of another discouraged leader, Jesus. _________________ (your preferential description of who Jesus might be). The passage from today’s lectionary is ___________ (adj) and ____________ (adj) and frankly, I’m not altogether sure of what I should tell you. In case you think _____________ (what you call the worship leader at your church) always know what they’re talking about, this is a good opportunity to explain how _________________ (describe your own inadequacies in detail). So, for today’s text, we’re all in this together! We shall _______________ (verb) this sermon together!)

All right, so, the passage opens with Jesus talking not the masses now but to his disciples – you know, _________________ (hip description of disciples). Only after this _________________ (alt. word for “story”), they might have had some second thoughts. Luke 16: 1-13, Jesus has this story to tell his disciples:

Read: Luke 16: 1-13 from your preferred scripture source

Okay, so a rich man calls up the unreliable steward of his estate, and, now that the steward is busted, he starts scheming about how to deal with the situation. He considers his options.

________________ (Negative Option #1)

_________________ (Negative Option #2)

_________________ (Negative Option #3)

This is no different than the options available in _________________ (Name of 3^rd world country with Evil Dictator). The options of _________________ (Evil Dictator’s Steward) could be:

_________________ (Negative option of poor people in Third World Country #1)

_________________ (Negative option of poor people in Third World Country #2)

_________________ (Negative option of poor people in Third World Country #3)

_________________ (Commentary about struggles of Justice)

_________________ (Story meant to convict congregation about injustice loosely related to the scripture)

_________________ (Good news about how we can resolve injustice from evil Dictators and their slightly less evil Stewards using example from life of Jesus)

_________________ (Example of Justice performed by Congregation) _________________ (Example of Justice government should perform) _________________ (Example of international Justice) So, go. Be like

_________________ (person from scripture) and ___________ (verb Mixed Martial Artists may perform) a _____________________ (terrifying animal, plural) for You, ______________ (preferred name for the Divine)! If you sell _________________ (item commonly sold on eBay), you will be ____________________ (Justice related noun) and you will cause __________________ (preferred name for the Divine) to feel _____________________ (adjective).

We here at ____________________ (name of congregation/church) commend ________________ (Justice/Love related good works) to your doing. Certainly your hard work will ______________ (verb) God’s favor as we strive for radical tolerance, unity, and free Love for all!

In the name of the ___________ (Proper Adjective), who exists to ___________________ (verb) you and shall reign for _________________(quantity of time) over ______________________ (cute animal species), _______________(insect group) and ________________________ (your preferred description of humanity).

Amen.

Mailbag Monday!

2010-09-13T19:34:00.001-07:00

Elizabeth of Hungary writes, “As a seminarian who looks to my leaders for examples of a godly life, I was very dismayed to find you blogging on Labor Day. I have been taught in seminary that Jesus loves the poor and oppressed, and in America, these are obviously the blue-collar union workers, whose sacrifices Labor Day commemorates. I had my hopes set high that the ELCA would take this opportunity to stand in solidarity with our sisters and brothers and religiously observe Labor Day. I know that Matthew 12 teaches that Jesus is Lord of the Sabbath, but I have a hard time believing that he would support us failing to stand with the marginalized in this country - nay, the world - by working on Labor Day. Are you aware of the impact you are having on impressionable seminarians who now feel free to blog on federal holidays?

My dearest Ms. Hungary,

In celebration of the theme of your letter, I postponed writing to you until after I had taken adequate rest! During the days following your utterly delightful tome, Ken whisked me away to an all-expense vacation to the Dominican Republic! Naturally we had the opportunity for a few photo opportunities in neighboring Haiti, but how difficult is it really to pose for a snapshot? Our days were filled with sun-kissed swimming and our evenings with all-you-can eat buffets and dancing! Thankfully, we staffed the home office with adequate Desk Facilitator Specialists to manage the phone and News Release desks.

During my holiday jaunt in your honor, I had time to consider your central message – such a bold preacher of justice at such a tender age! You shall serve our Brave New Church with finesse, my lovely!

Now for matters of Holy Rest and Justice:

Our Lord gives us words of Law and Gospel in Divine Scripture and it is up to us to decide which words we serve us best at any given time! As your Brave New Bishop I must tell you that your time of rest is rather at the behest of your superiors – those of us with special dispensation by virtue of our ordination.

I urge you to continue working tirelessly for the Brave New Church for from you labor shall flow boundless unity, radical tolerance, and free Love! The Wellness Wheel promoted by our offices offer wonderful ideas for Healthy Leaders, but really the central message is holy sacrifice for the sake of Unity and Love.

The central work of the Brave New Church is to work tirelessly for victims of injustice. Our Fair Trade workers, unionistas (like fashionista’s, only filled with Unity!), federal czars, and countless others must work even through federal holidays because without their daily work, could they possibly find a sense of fulfillment and joy? Furthermore, their labors bring in fair wages and they would not want to lose their jobs, would they?

This is indeed the reason why many at our churchly publishing house to continue to toil daily and nightly without any hope for pension: it is a holy work! You see, Elizabeth, when it comes to matters of Justice and free Love, all work is necessary and holy – no Labor Day, no pension, no rest required!

I hope that by virtue of my blog on Labor Day you might realize the power of your position to work for unity, justice, and Love for all – especially on your day off. After all, Jesus didn’t come to give you a day off, did Jesus?

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Don writes, “Bishop Barbie; 2 questions: What kinds of insightful suggestions to you have for bringing young adults into the ELCA and do you have any plans to meet with Lady Ga Ga anytime soon”

My Dearest Darling Mr. Wright!

What an insightful question for such a Brave New problem so many church bodies face in these dangerous times!

I have long prayed over and considered your question and would like to offer a brief answer (really, a complete answer would include full on ministry application

First, young adults today crave modern language and they will not be attracted to our events and lifestyle choices unless we sound like them!

For example, an OLD PASTOR (read: unenlightened and past expiration date) would say:

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ…”

A welcoming and attractive NEW PASTOR would say:

You are welcomed by this community and by the Divine, who embraces you not because of the longings of your heart or because you box yourself into some articulation of faith, but because the Divine Loves you and we Love you and accept you as you are! Welcome, because this is a faith that believes in you!”

Notice the difference, Mr. Wright? To be part of the Brave New Church is to always to be in relation to others and not set apart from others. The greatest sin both in scripture and in modern society is to be different. You must be unique, just like everyone else! The key to attracting people of all ages is BELONGING – nothing more, nothing less.

Second, programs are the way to bring in the young people of today.

Invitations to worship is boring. Sunday school? Get a life! What you need is something revamped, renewed, and re-levant. Ditch all the God-talk and embrace community! It doesn’t matter what you do or how you do it, so long as you’re together!

The resolution to this is: programs, programs, and more programs!

Start with a modern young person who can lead with charism and individuality! Your leader must show that the Divine welcomes all people regardless of appearance, identity, life decisions, moral dis/interest, and personal choices. Recently I ran across a fantastic new program produced by a branch of our Brave New Church. I deeply believe this will satisfy the deep spiritual longings of our people!

This new educational resource is perfect for young adults of all ages and experiences and will address the fine art of living as people of Justice, Light, and Free Love. Section 1 covers:

· Feelings

· Self-Concept and Self-Esteem

· Friendship

· Team Building

· Problem-Solving

· Healthy and Loving Choices

· Speaking up for Justice

Again, in an effort toward relevance, the weekly group activity will put the spotlight on:

· Focus and Empowerment

· Organization and Study Tips

· Positive Attitude

· Community Involvement

· Serving the Divine within and in the community

For those who seem advanced in their spirituality and learning, you may want to create small groups! One idea tossed around by my specialty team is to create a Round Table, with the Leader as King Arthur!

· The group will join in at the Round Table with King Arthur and his knights as they learn about chivalry, bravery, and courage.

· They will pow-wow with Native Americans while creating a 6-foot-high group totem pole that showcases that animal nature of each member.

· Group members will turn into fantastical superheroes who work together to save the day.

· Learn alongside Samurai masters as they learn the art of peace.

· They will "journey" to England to study the Magician's Code that binds the Brother and Sisterhood of Magicians.

OLD PASTORS and the OLD CHURCH would invite people to church services or maybe a youth choir.

NEW CHURCH LEADERS and the BRAVE NEW CHURCH coordinate missional efforts toward involvement in practices of inclusivity alongside rich tapestries of Justice and Love!

Our Brave New Church is working tirelessly to adapt the Boy/Girl Scout model to our needs. Structured leadership, belief in values that best fit the general movements of the culture, and freedom to expand the walls of Justice and free Love will bring the masses to our door! We are also considering merit badges for exceptional character traits.

We must lead our youth toward recognizing communal wholeness! This is the deepest longing of their hearts and our Brave New Church is working around the clock to provide you with all the materials to make that possible!

It’s like God-Caffeine for your tired old religion!

Eileen writes, "Bishop Barbie - I am preparing the 2011 budget for worship supplies. Is the new logo a download for bulletins and all other supplies or is it purchased. I couldn't find anything with the logo on the A-F site. Thank you!"

Dearest Eileen,

What a treasure you are! I am so thankful for team players such as yourself who are also willing to provide tithes and offerings for the sake of our Brave New Church!

The new logo is not yet available for purchase because of public concern that it may reflect other popular commercial logos. Instead we are nearly ready to post a Logo Contest for our Brave New Church! Surely many minds are better than one – and short of the College of Bishops, there is certainly no ‘I’ in “Team!”

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Lisa writes, “Does the BNC have a social statement on the use of hallucinogen drugs? I must confess that I have difficulty with openly and freely loving all sheep in my local fold equally. Seems like illicit drug use helped the "Make Love - Not War" movement of the 60's. Maybe during the "Healing Service" a passing of the pipe could be added.”

My Darling Lisa,

I regret to say we do not yet have a Social Statement regarding the use of hallucinogenic drugs! However, I believe it is better to refer to this as a “Hallucinogenic Opportunity.”

We here at the BNC HQ are aware the this is a serious issue of justice. For example, you can read about how Spiritual Leaders recognize the important cash cow families require, hence we are required to support smokable ganja.

Hallucinogenic properties and other opportunities promote spirituality, my dear Lisa! For instance, I have a family member who sought clarity on personal matters and enjoyed a weeklong Native America Vision Quest in the American deserts! While traversing the desert, this family member brought neither food nor water, but instead lived off of spiritual desire. To quell the perturbance of physical nutrition pangs, peyote and other herbs were consumed and smoked as fire was available. Once this period of quest and spiritual journey came to completion, a long term committed relationship and child was produced!

It is a Justice and Spiritual concern you address, really. Our committees are well paid and working around the clock to consider Hallucinogenic Opportunities as both sacrament and healing.

We here at the Brave New Church notice there are many cultures throughout all of history using the wonders of hallucinogenic and other opportunities aides. We support this in order to enjoy the creation of the Divine and to learn all the Divine would have us realize!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Tom writes, "Dear Bishop! Greetings in the Name of Free Love! Question: There's a UCC pastor in our area who wants us all to get together to discuss our "Christologies." How can this event best free people from fear and let them know that their Jesus is just as good as anyone else's Jesus, because, you know, the One Jesus and His/Her/Its love is so many different things to so many different people."

Dearest Tom,

What a fascinating topic for discussion!

The joy of this topic is located precisely in the term “Christology.” That is, “Christ” comes from the Greek, Χριστός (Khristós) (which is co-opted from the Hebrew, מָשִׁיחַ) meaning only “anointed one.” Where I believe you are becoming terribly confused and befuddled is to think Jesus is the only Christ! I am so pleased this pastor from the United Church of Christ is gathering so many representative of denominations and faith communities to share their individual understandings of “Christ!”
Remember, the Bible says somewhere about becoming “little Christ’s,” and it sounds to me like you are about to be presented with so many wonderful options about what that means! Jesus was a wonderful example of what it means to be a “Christ,” because Jesus was so full of Love and Justice at every turn. But chances are, Jesus may not be the only one able to show you the Way! Listen carefully to the moderators and suggestions offered during this discussion. Please share your findings! The love of the Divine is indeed one of the Anointing – a practice which we can enjoy in oil anointing, remembrance of baptism, and other liturgical gymnastics.

In an unprecedented effort at supporting you, your Brave New Church chooses to stick with broad terms and focus our efforts entirely upon adjectives!

For example: Creator, Redeemer, and Sanctifier.

By referring to the Divine using only adjective we make space for all people’s conceptions of the Divine! We do not wish for any of our church members to be held back by notions of gender exclusivity or the bonds of race, creed, ethnicity, or religion! After all, the BNC’s primary mission and ministry is one of inclusivity!

We recognize language such as: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit is offensive to many and places the Divine in a box. The Divine is so much larger than gender, history, and specificity! I urge you to avoid such language, especially in the context of this UCC hosted discussion. Naturally, offering gender and specific terminology when discussion anointing and other benefits of religion will grow our BNC – and rating are everything, my Love!

My concern is over matters no different than the term, “Allah!” In this delightfully multicultural word, we find the ability to overlay any understanding of the Divine we choose! We Christians are no different than Muslims, let alone Hindus, Buddhists, Mormons or even Agnostics! We are all on the journey of searching for the Divine within and without!

Join us in our Brave New Church on the Brave New Search for Divinity! I, for my part, cannot wait until we hear more from you about your delightful and illuminating conversation with our UCC brothers and sisters in Christ!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

A Brave New Logo

2010-09-10T16:41:00.001-07:00

In the spirit of Love, Justice, and the free market, we here at the Brave New Church have a new logo!

How else would you know what the BNC stands for, save for a beautiful new logo which speaks volumes about our mission for the Divine? Thus, without further ado, we here at the Brave New Offices are pleased to unveil:

For those who are Brave New Leaders, we have issued a News Release asking that all of your bulletins, educational materials, and evangelical activity be clearly marked by this holy logo. We’re all in this together to share the New Vision of Radical Tolerance and Free Love! It’s what the Divine calls for in Holy Scripture and we here at the Home Office shall spearhead this project immediately for the sake of Love and free market shares!

*Unless otherwise indicated, this logo is owned by the Brave New Church. All rights reserved.. No part of these pages, either text or image may be used for any purpose other than to promote radical inclusion, tolerance, and Free Love among all nations. Reproduction, modification, storage in a retrieval system or retransmission, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical or otherwise, for reasons other than personal use, is strictly prohibited without prior permission from the Brave New Church office and Bishop Barbie.

*Stop using logo and get emergency medical help if you have sudden vision loss. Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat and feelings of justice and oppression. Seek assistance if you begin having personal opinions and ideas unrelated to tolerance, inclusivity, and Free Love. During Love related activities, if you become dizzy or nauseated, or have pain, numbness, or tingling in your chest, arms, neck, or jaw, stop and call Bishop Barbie right away. You could be having serious side effects from the Brave New Church.

Our Rightful Throne

2010-09-09T22:54:00.000-07:00

A Social Statement Regarding Wildfires

2010-09-08T14:48:00.000-07:00

Friends,

The time has come in our current debates regarding Islam and the Qur’an burning to unleash our most fearsome weapon here at Higgins: the Official Press Release.

http://www.elca.org/Who-We-Are/Our-Three-Expressions/Churchwide-Organization/Communication-Services/News/Releases.aspx?a=4628

We here at the Home Office recognize that radical Love is the order of the day, but when it comes to the dangerous militants at the 50 strong church in Florida threatening disunity with our Muslim brothers and sisters in Christ, we shall wage war using the fiercest of social statements! It is far too dangerous to ignore such silly Islamophobia because between the loud voice of Pastor Terry and friends and the media frenzy surrounding him, others may think we have no need of our fair share of public attention!

While some church bodies may encourage their clergy to preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ in Word and Sacrament, incurring Christ-like thoughts, words and deeds which combat hate in this world, it is simply not enough. We must instead ensure the entire world knows our opposition to bigotry, racism, hatred, fear, and the most loathsome of faults, disunity with our Muslim brothers and sisters in Christ not through the Gospel, but by means of a social statement.

It is time to pick up where our brother Martin Luther left off and then some. Luther faced the great Muslim invasions of Europe and he soon had the Mohammidians leaving copies the Qur’an at his doorstep and in hotel rooms. And so, in an astounding act of unity, Luther called for the publication of the Qur’an and Christians to read it! The Reverend Paul McCain noted in his recent article that “Luther knew that side by side, the Bible would overwhelm the Qur’an with its truth and with its message of salvation.” (http://cyberbrethren.com/2010/09/08/burn-the-quran-no-absolutely-not/)

Silly Reverend McCain! The right evangelical answer is to publish the Qur’an from our clearing houses and insert a copy of the social statement as a complimentary bookmark! Certainly the Bible, let alone preaching, teaching, and the Sacraments, won’t help anyone know how to respond to the Qur’an and the Muslim community!

We have come to know in our Brave New Church that the only thing that shall fight the evils of disunity, lovelessness and injustice in our present age is a series of fearless Social Statements. Nothing, not even the preaching and teaching of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, can do that great work of unity and understanding as the power of the Social Statement.

It is never enough to quell the voices of sin, death, and the power of the devil with preaching and neighborliness! Do not attempt to eat at a table with your Muslim neighbors! Do not invite such people into your churches or attempt faithful and ecumenical conversation! And, at all costs, never tell them about the love of Jesus Christ! To participate in any of the above activities would be offensive to the Muslim people and we do not want to cause this burdened community any heartache by hearing about the Jesus Christ behind our love, vocations, and neighborly care. We are to be a ministry of presence, namely in the presence of our most recent news release!

We must throw our hope on the sharp barbs of our Social Statements! Trust us here at the Brave New Church. We’re professionals.

*A short note that in the event the sharp edges are not clear enough:Bishop Barbie condemns the scheduled Qur’an burning. Our Muslim neighbors are in need of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, not fear and hatred on the part of professed Christians. For more reading about Christians and fear, see St. Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians 11:23-12:10, Philippians 4, and Hebrews 13 (to name only three). It seems to Bishop Barbie there is more than enough to worry about in our Brave New Church – participating in acts of hatred really eat up precious time.

Mailbag Monday!

2010-09-06T11:31:00.000-07:00

Peter writes, “What are ‘Butterfly kisses from Heaven’? Is this how Jesus was kissed in Matthew 26:49? Or Paul's holy kiss from Romans 16:16? Do you have to be a bishop to send them, or could I, too, send butterfly kisses from Heaven?”

Oh my dearest Peter! Are you so deprived of Radical Love or repressed that you have never experienced the joy of Butterfly Kisses from Heaven®! We must amend this travesty!

I am deeply impressed that you appear to have read your scripture – in particular the parts where gifts of Radical Love are offered in physical manifestation. A kiss is a tremendously important piece of religious faith and life. In fact, I went to seminary school with at least two others who saw it as their goal and mission to offer physical signs of love with all they came into contact – hugs, kisses, a caress here and there. How terrible it is that we have created so many walls, making true signs of love horribly difficult to impose on our neighbor!

Naturally, a Butterfly Kiss from Heaven is not a kiss of betrayal as you mockingly (I hope) propose from Mt. 26:49. Judas was simply imposing his own worldview on Jesus, as the metaphor of the kiss would suggest in this passage. However, Romans 16:16 is closer to what we in our Brave New Church understand as a Butterfly Kiss from Heaven. Indeed, Paul desires the saints greet one another with the Kiss of Radical Love and Inclusion. Paul’s Kiss suggested that each of the aforementioned saints were clearly PART of the community and not to exist OUTSIDE. Ampliatus, Urbanus, Stachys, Apelles, the household of Aristobulus, Herodion, the household of Narcissus, Tryphena, Tryphosa, Persis, Rufus, Asyncritus, Phlegon, Hermes, Patrobas, Hermas and the brothers with them, Philologus, Julia, Nereus and his sister, and Olympas: All of these people bear such unfortunate and complicated names, perhaps implying unfortunate and complicated lives. Perhaps each of these people struggled in society with identity, gender, ethnicity, sexuality, or political affiliations. Paul was doing his very best to ensure they felt loved and cared for with a physical token of affection.

A Butterfly Kiss is a token of inclusion and Love given from Heaven (where else?) through the proper authoritative succession of Bishops, which I choose to lovingly bestow upon pastors and laypeople alike. Consider it my spiritual gift from me to you. You, yourself may offer Butterfly Kisses from Heaven®, so long as you properly footnote me and the Divine as its official Source and Sponsor.

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven®,

Bishop Barbie

Someone writes, “Bishop is it important to use appropriate liturgical color for finger and toe nails?”

Yes. Tis’ but the work of a moment and yet, liturgically polished nails yield a lifetime of spiritual gain.

Russ writes, “After days and days and simply days of dithering indecision I have at last responded positively to you ‘friend request’ here at Facebook. The more I contemplated your missive, the more pitifully imploring it seemed and that is why I ultimately relented. I should hate to think my refusal for friends...hip is ever the cause of someone else's discomfort. I know that is entirely out of character for a theological conservative such as myself, much preferring the static designations of class oppression and social gender assignments (both vastly underrated by liberals) but I confess you do seem to have caught me in a moment of unaccountable weakness. Soon I shall revert to type and the world will regain it's proper sense of order. You, however, will remain pink, I think.”

(Similarly) Erma writes, "Your Esteemed Bishopess, I must confess that I have resisted being be-friended and reconciled with you. I have been among the dissenters, not just lately, but lo, for many years now. The Brave New Church has been patient with me, but I have been a stubborn German Lutheran type (must be the old Mother Mo' still in me), plotting and scheming for a return of the Retro Old Church. But I have recently had my heart strangely warmed. Reading your postings has, well, welcomed me. And like you, I am vertically challenged. Is there room for me, O highest of blond clericalness?"

Dearest Russ and Erma,

Oh, to dither about is a terrible state of affairs! I am so pleased you finally chose the best path: the path of Love and esteemed Friendship! Thankfully our friendship is based on my imploring of your heart and not on so many “other matters” you choose to categorize so pitiably, such as "conservative" and the like. Truly, can we just all not be people to one another in Love and Friendship? It is to those things I will hold you firmly to account! In fact, we here at the Higgins Road Offices have weekly Accountability Small Groups dedicated specifically to acts of Love! Weekly, we gather together in our trusted small groups and banter about with rich woven tapestries of descriptions about our Acts of Love committed against others! Where we have not Loved enough, proper reeducation is imperative and there is a beneficent group of elderly German women who assist on a volunteer basis. It appears as though Erma was gripped in Holy Love by one of these volunteers and she quickly realized it would be Love or our volunteer that would soon conquer all and so she joined us here in the Brave New Church on our mission to Love the world!

As for my Pinkness, it is a new title I shall consider adding to my list of credentials. Are you aware of any sort of Pinkness Qualifying Program I may seek? Naturally, it must be the sort of program that puts forth my commitment to Free Love, Radical Inclusion, and Tolerance - but then again, that is what being Pink is all about, is it not? We here at the Main Office have put together a research committee who currently study around the clock in order to present a Pink Social Statement at our next Church Wide Assembly. There is a faction of us who deeply believe Pink should be the proper liturgical color of the ELCA. Once this has been decided by the proper scriptural authorities and delegates, we shall move on to name an ELCA-Wide Tree, Bird, and Insect.

I am so thankful to the Divine Goodness in Heaven for your new friendships! Erma, I do believe that over time you will come to bask in the glow of Holy Friendship and Truth, abandoning your scheming ways. We who are vertically challenged must stick together, unwavering in our dedication to show the world how we all can be of great value in the world, regardless of height! I am willing to take upon this cross for your sake. It is good and right to see how my Holy Persistence wears down the resistance of even the hardest of hearts. Love and Friendship win again!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie

Steve writes, “‎'ELCA' and denominationalism are both so passe. What we need is some new branding. I suggest THIS CHURCH. (Saw it in some social statements, resolutions, and from your own mouth as PB.) THIS CHURCH. Or is that too exclusive, implying no other churches? Please advise, Your Accessoriness”

Oh my Dearest Steven!

Passé? I am both at once disturbed and perturbed in the first place that you neglected the French accent mark for the term! My goodness, what are we? Internationally uneducated cretins?

But as for the central point of your question, which I deign to answer with clarity, truth, and Love:

Certainly not! While denominationalism may fade away, the ELCA shall remain – and of course may never be deemed passé! We are the source and pinnacle of Love in this world! We are committed to weaving a rich tapestry of Love and Friendship among the masses!

Where there is political strife, we shall use Letterhead!

Where there is Israel, we shall send Bishops!

Where there is Hunger, we shall have Banquets!

Where there is marriage, we shall have equity!

Where there is scripture, we shall have concord!

My, my, to think that our holy Denomination shall pass away is to imagine the American dollar would fall into disuse!

We here at the Home Offices are working tirelessly to rebrand and reengage in today’s culture! Bishop Hanson ensures that every public meeting includes a rainbow array of humanity, and that within that rainbow every gender type, prototype, orientation, creed, and religion are equally represented! Our culture today wants equality over truth, and our brand must relay that message at all costs!

As I mentioned previously, I believe Pink may be the proper color for us, but we still seek an ELCA flag, bird, tree, insect, and flower. Have we missed any major or minor categories?

In essence, the ELCA is committed to functioning as state within a state. A light until the states, even. We shall be political! We shall be independent! We shall go to battle until only Love remains!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Mike writes, “Oh great Bishop Barbie, May we all bask in your pinkness and the reflected glory of your mighty pectoral cross. I, a poor wretched sinner, humbly beseech you to answer my two questions:

First, we have many who desire not to continue in the ELCA’s conversation and are joining LCMC or attending the dreadful gathering that shall not be named. How can we teach them the errors of their ways? Looking to the days of Elijah and Elisha I was wondering if we should we pray for fire to come down from heaven or bears to smite them.

Secondly, because your spiritual gifts lie in theology, church governance and fashion, what color was Joseph’s coat?

Dearest Mike,

You are so precious in my sight! It seems you noticed my new bejeweled pectoral wear, bestowed upon me by foreign dignitaries! Indeed, it is encrusted with Love! We are anxiously awaiting a Synod Assembly, Church Wide Assembly, or other public event to display these diplomatic gifts!

My new cross was especially created to match Joseph’s Coat which is carefully being held in a temperature controlled environment in our basement libraries. Perhaps you will see the color and fine fashion design at our next Assembly – particularly during our Eucharistic fashion show?

But onto your most important of questions, which we here at the Home Office find very important and seek to hear all of your questions in truth and Love!

You asked regarding the dreadful actions of “alternative” “denominational” “options.” After 40+ hours of meditation (which I do hope you participated in), Bishop Hanson and I finally came to holy clarity of mind. We decided to ignore such antics. To pray for fire or bears as the ancient prophets did would be to play right into the hand of poor ecumenical form. Just as Elisha and Elijah are lifted up as examples of how NOT to engage with your darling neighbors who differ from you in thought, word, and deed, we here at Higgins have exegeted their stories into action: We shall Love them back home!

By ignoring their behavior and clear misunderstandings of the message of Divine Love we have come to embrace, we shall bring them back to the fold. These heathens seem to think that absolute truth is a thing to be grasped, but like Christ we here at the ELCA do not grasp at Absolute Truth (read Philippians 2:5-7!). It is an unholy sin to reach toward the Divine notions of right and wrong or other moralities. So until the eschaton we trust all things are right and good! The Divine will be so pleased we did not differentiate so as to grasp at Divine absolute truth and fall terribly into sin!

Simply ignore their troublesome behavior, Mike. One day, Love shall win over all and we shall be enveloped by true Love in the Divine! Stay tuned for an upcoming post to support our Bishop Hanson’s letter during the week of “alternative denominational activities.”

Thank you for blessing me with your delightful and honest question!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, my darlings, I do realize there are a few questions sent that have gone unanswered! Fear not, my Pets, these holy questions shall receive the attention and response deserved in short order! However, I have many committee and task-force meetings to attend this day and so, in short order, must take my leave. I entrust the above answers shall keep you whetted for the time being?

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Together at Last! The Gospel according to St. Mark and Annie!

2010-09-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

Dearly Beloved,

Our Holy Reverend Bishop Hanson has recently graced us with his presence! In a recording from August 14, a mere two weeks ago, he graciously gathered a group of young people from around the country to listen – because that is what Bishop Hanson does best! – and determine how best to serve the needs of our young adults throughout the Lutheran world.

Watch this clip! It is a joy and I expect you will be filled with the delights of spiritual fulfillment!

A young man here asks the imperative question that we here at Higgins bandy about, seeking spiritual answers:

Why Lutheran?

And if Lutheran, why then the
Evangelical Lutheran Church in America?

And how our Reverend Bishop ably resolved such a difficult question! We are Lutheran not because we believe anything particular related to scripture or faith, but because we relentlessly define ourselves in how we are related to one another! How we find concord together! That is, after all, what the Book of Concord is all about! We have deep hungerings of the heart and longings for life and they are indeed woven into the rich, bright, and multi-layered tapestry of spiritual expression! Bishop Hanson remarked how our hungering and longings are signs of spiritual desire for a gracious God. A Divine Being that is willing to say, “I Love You!” and “You’re Okay with Me!”

Naturally in order to achieve such spiritual delight, we must seek spiritual intimacy in relationships of all sorts. His Holiness, Mark Hanson is correct: to be Lutheran is to understand the Divine is making me Divine in a Divine community! So long as I am understood and loved in a way that I feel good and can face the world, I can live with ambiguity and uncertainty about the nature of Divinity.

The Good News is finally a matter of Uncertainty! I am always uncomfortable when Lutherans or others here and there seem to think they know what God thinks and wants – especially when it comes to Jesus. There seems to be so much “clarity” in all those theological “discussions.” And what does that yield? Anger. Frustration. Misunderstandings. None of those things make a healthy, long-lasting and loving communal body of joyful, loving, accepted people! Like Bishop Hanson, I trust that the Divine Being will be faithful to me and others no matter what we do, so long as we are in a loving community together. We need to love each other and really mean it!

The best picture of this Holy Divine Gospel I’ve seen is from Little Orphan Annie said to Daddy Warbucks. They sing “Together at Last! Together forever!” They compare their many uncertainties about relationships and resources, but at the end of the day, they sure are happy! That is exactly what the Divine wants for us: uncertainty and loads of happiness and unfettered love!

Hear this song and let Divine Love wash over you today:

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,
Bishop Barbie

Bishop Barbie and the Brave New Church

BNC Christmas Address

A New Holiday Program for YOU!

http://www.elca.org/Who-We-Are/Our-Three-Expressions/Churchwide-Organization/Office-of-the-Presiding-Bishop/Messages-and-Statements/101028video.aspx

My Colleague-in-Chief is the Bishop of the LARGEST Lutheran church in North America, just like he points out in the first line of the tape!

Bishop Hanson, I am so close to committing idolatry!

(so hawt!)

Mailbag Monday!

My Dearest Darling Jeremy!

My dearest Jeff.

You thrill me with your notice of my interior design skills!

The Divine Spearhead Installation

Pray Away the Gray!

Mailbag Monday!

How Now, BNC Cow?

An Exchange

An Open Letter to “Bishop Barbie”

An Open Response to Ms. Barbara Bruneau

An Open Response to Bishop Barbie

Ignorance: It's Your Problem

Mailbag, er, Wednesday

Mailbag Monday Part II

Mailbag Monday Part I

Mailbag, er, Tuesday!

My dearest Kay,

What an insightful question! We here at the BNC find ourselves in the 7th Level of Heaven when we hear of our constituents reading through the Book of Faith! I trust you are using our Book of Faith resources? If not, please see the following link for an exegetical pick-me-up:

http://www.bookoffaith.org/default.htm

Now, you sound like you are in need of pastoral care – perhaps a Ministry of Divine Presence? Operators here at the BNC HQ are waiting to take your call!

The reason for Divine wrath was because of the SPECIFICITY of the names used! Those who sought to speak to the Divine used improper and undesirable language about the Divine so that the Divine felt like the Divine was being mocked (no different than my kids on the playground, I suspect).

1. Adjectives Only

2. Gender specifics out

3. The More Diverse, the Better!

I hope you will join us, Kay, as we seek greater diversity, tolerance, and unity in utilizing the full of rainbow of names available for the Divine! After all, you don’t want to be Lion Food, do you?

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Dearest Anonymous,

I am so pleased to note your commitment to our increasingly welcome worshiping environment!

LGBTQAP3

Dearest Anonymous, I hope I have managed to spearhead your question and give you hope toward a Brave New Future!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Sermon Help

Mailbag Monday!

Don writes, “Bishop Barbie; 2 questions: What kinds of insightful suggestions to you have for bringing young adults into the ELCA and do you have any plans to meet with Lady Ga Ga anytime soon”

My Dearest Darling Mr. Wright!

What an insightful question for such a Brave New problem so many church bodies face in these dangerous times!

I have long prayed over and considered your question and would like to offer a brief answer (really, a complete answer would include full on ministry application

First, young adults today crave modern language and they will not be attracted to our events and lifestyle choices unless we sound like them!

For example, an OLD PASTOR (read: unenlightened and past expiration date) would say:

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ…”

A welcoming and attractive NEW PASTOR would say:

Second, programs are the way to bring in the young people of today.

Invitations to worship is boring. Sunday school? Get a life! What you need is something revamped, renewed, and re-levant. Ditch all the God-talk and embrace community! It doesn’t matter what you do or how you do it, so long as you’re together!

The resolution to this is: programs, programs, and more programs!

OLD PASTORS and the OLD CHURCH would invite people to church services or maybe a youth choir.

NEW CHURCH LEADERS and the BRAVE NEW CHURCH coordinate missional efforts toward involvement in practices of inclusivity alongside rich tapestries of Justice and Love!

We must lead our youth toward recognizing communal wholeness! This is the deepest longing of their hearts and our Brave New Church is working around the clock to provide you with all the materials to make that possible!

It’s like God-Caffeine for your tired old religion!

Eileen writes, "Bishop Barbie - I am preparing the 2011 budget for worship supplies. Is the new logo a download for bulletins and all other supplies or is it purchased. I couldn't find anything with the logo on the A-F site. Thank you!"

Dearest Eileen,

What a treasure you are! I am so thankful for team players such as yourself who are also willing to provide tithes and offerings for the sake of our Brave New Church!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

My Darling Lisa,

I regret to say we do not yet have a Social Statement regarding the use of hallucinogenic drugs! However, I believe it is better to refer to this as a “Hallucinogenic Opportunity.”

We here at the BNC HQ are aware the this is a serious issue of justice. For example, you can read about how Spiritual Leaders recognize the important cash cow families require, hence we are required to support smokable ganja.

It is a Justice and Spiritual concern you address, really. Our committees are well paid and working around the clock to consider Hallucinogenic Opportunities as both sacrament and healing.

We here at the Brave New Church notice there are many cultures throughout all of history using the wonders of hallucinogenic and other opportunities aides. We support this in order to enjoy the creation of the Divine and to learn all the Divine would have us realize!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

Dearest Tom,

What a fascinating topic for discussion!

For example: Creator, Redeemer, and Sanctifier.

Join us in our Brave New Church on the Brave New Search for Divinity! I, for my part, cannot wait until we hear more from you about your delightful and illuminating conversation with our UCC brothers and sisters in Christ!

Butterfly Kisses from Heaven,

Bishop Barbie

A Brave New Logo

Our Rightful Throne

A Social Statement Regarding Wildfires

Mailbag Monday!

What an insightful question! We here at the BNC find ourselves in the 7^th Level of Heaven when we hear of our constituents reading through the Book of Faith! I trust you are using our Book of Faith resources? If not, please see the following link for an exegetical pick-me-up:

LGBTQAP³